


If My Heart Could Beat

by RiverOfFandoms



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: AU, All Seasons, Almost smut, Alternate Universe, Angelus Mention, Arguing, Battling Feelings, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Love, Swearing, angel mention, i will add more tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-09-29 03:46:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17195900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverOfFandoms/pseuds/RiverOfFandoms
Summary: Set in an alternate universe where you are one of the Scoobies. Befriended in season two, you come to know Sunnydale as it truly is: the Demon Capital. Until you meet a lonely, conflicted vampire who shows you that not all demons should be slayed.This would be categorised as a reader insert, however I've tried to put some originality and creativity into it so it's not like you're just watching the show all over again.Each chapter is a different season of the TV show, starting from season two.





	1. Season Two

You wanted to flinch away from his touch but couldn’t – didn’t want to. His fingertips held your jaw; kept your face upturned towards him. You wanted to move, you wanted to shove him one last time, but something kept you there against that wall. Something inside kept you still.

“I’ve been waiting all night, love.” His voice was quiet, and instead of a threatening tone, it was sincere; truthful.

You didn’t speak, instead you watched his blue eyes dart from yours to your lips, his thumb softly glided over them. You didn’t think it possible, but Spike came even closer to you, your bodies pressed against each other in the silence of the night. You wanted to yell for help, Buffy and the others were probably still in the library, but again, something held you back.

Curiosity.

Your voice quivered, and you trembled as his hand moved to your neck; your response lit up his eyes with excitement. You swallowed, “Are… are you going to feed on me?” You couldn’t help but sound pathetic and desperate, but if this was going to be your last moment alive, you wanted to know.

His eyebrows furrowed, and his jaw tensed, as if surprised by your question. His face leaned so close to yours that his lips brushed against the side of your mouth as he spoke in a hushed tone, “No, pet, I thought we would have some fun instead.” He paused a moment, his eyes lingered on your eyes before his lips pressed heatedly against yours, pressing you even closer to the storeroom wall. His hand slid from your neck down your body to rest on your waist.

You found yourself kissing him back, confused with guilt for wanting this and heated desire for more, you followed his lead.

His fingers curled at the hem of your shirt, the edges of his fingers barely brushed against bare skin underneath, and when he didn’t go any further you whimpered quietly between his kisses. “Mm,” he murmured, “Patience, love…” He brushed some strands of your hair behind your ear, looking into your eyes, “You’ve got to _earn_ it.”

You initiated the next kisses, and Spike couldn’t help but smile into them from your sudden change in behavior. His ego was already big enough, but to know that he made you choose to do that only made him cockier. You held him close, your arms around his neck, a hand entwined in his blond hair, the breathing between you only grew heavier. Your thigh accidentally brushed over his bulge, and he hummed in want of more.

His eyes, alight with fiery desire, found yours again, and then he whispered into your ear, “I think you’ve earned it.”

You woke up in a bundled mess, wrapped in layers of blankets, overheated and dazed. You escaped the warmth of the blanket-burrow and your skin tingled as you drowned in the cool night air. “A dream…” You swallowed, trying to calm your rapid breathing. Even though it was only a dream, it was as real as the actual memory. You thought back to the heated moments you shared with the oddly attractive vampire in the storeroom that night. The passion you felt. The desire for it to happen again ever since.

You sighed and rested your chin on your hand, sitting on the edge of your bed; you felt the same guilt, especially since Buffy didn’t know you were in lust after a vamp. That guilt usually dissipated when you saw him— when you saw Spike, and of course that only made you feel worse. But you couldn’t just _forget_ about that time in the storeroom… especially since Spike practically never _let_ you forget it, every time you were in a fight with his cronies he always made a point to remind you mid-battle how good he tasted. His eyes would glaze over your body and he would lick his lips intentionally, communicating his desire. Sometimes his hand would just reach for your face, to feel you on his skin again. Other times he would make crude sex jokes that you would only roll your eyes to, especially if the others heard.

Only now did you notice the extremity of the chill in the air. Your eyes snapped instinctively to your bedroom window, and you saw that it had been pulled open, your curtains fluttered slightly in the gentle breeze. You instantly frowned, knowing that you would never leave your window open before drifting off to sleep. Ever. Especially since it was Sunnydale, the party-town for demons all shapes and sizes. You leaped from your bed to the window in an instant, shivering at the thought of some unknown creature jumping in through your window. But as you were just about to push it back down and lock it up, a face appeared – and you yelped with a start.

“Hush, pet, or your parents will hear us, and God knows they can’t see you with a mysterious _man_ lurking near your room.” The smirk on his lips and the challenging twinkle in his eyes only surprised you even further.

“What…” You took a step away from the window, “What are you doing here, Spike?” You whispered harshly, looking around as if your parents might pop out of anywhere.

“Aw, no pet names?” He winked, “I’m here to see you, clearly.” He clung onto the window frame, although it probably didn’t take much strength for a vampire. “Gonna invite me in or should I just hang here all night?”

You eyed him for a moment, questioning your morals, like always; wondering if it would really be a good idea to invite him inside. He’d have access from now on, is that really a smart move? Buffy would say no, of course… but how are you supposed to deny those eyes and that smirk of his? You sighed, and he could tell that you were hesitating. He pouted those lips and tilted his head, “If the sexy smolder won’t work, I can try innocent begging, if you like?”

You crossed your arms over your chest, “This isn’t healthy.”

He looked at you, amused, “Desirable things never are.”

“Buffy would kill me.”

“She’d probably try to kill me too, if that’s any consolation.”

You began to pace in front of the window, “Look, Spike—” 

“I’d really prefer it if you called me babe—”

“Look, _Spike_ , you can’t just rock up at my window during the night at any old time you want.”

He rolled his eyes, “Thought you might enjoy a little excitement in your mundane life every now and then.”

“Well —hey,” You glared at him, “My life is not mundane.”

He pursed his lips and only looked expectantly at you.

“This… this isn’t normal.”

His eyes fell to your bedroom floor, his jaw tensed. “I know.” He shook his head, “I know it’s not normal, but I can’t help how I feel about you.” His eyes found yours again, “I think about you all the damn time.”

You thought back to the dream you just had tonight, and realised you couldn’t stop thinking about him either. You couldn’t help how you felt, either, and the way he stared at you now with such pulsing desire and need for you, you couldn’t help but want it too. You took another step back from the window, “Come in.”

He blinked in surprise but climbed in through the window and closed it behind him. You didn’t move from your spot; you only watched his eyes as he stepped closer to you. He shed his long, leather jacket onto a nearby chair, and when he reached you he looked at you questioningly. Those eyes searched yours. As soon as you nodded, even slightly, his lips were instantly against yours, and you were flooded with the same feeling as the last time you kissed. This time his hands didn’t waste any time, and instead of teasing you he immediately slid your shirt off as he pushed you towards your bed.

As he hovered over you, you took this moment to unbutton his own shirt while he kissed you; hard, like it might be the last time. He easily slid out of his shirt, and his kisses left your mouth and pressed against your neck, trailing over your breasts and down your stomach. The two of you moved together, in sync, somehow knowing what the other wanted.

He came back to kiss your mouth again, your bodies close and heated, but not entirely vulnerable. When Spike reached for the waistband of your pajama shorts, you paused. A second of hesitation, and the vampire felt it immediately. He found your eyes, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

You weren’t not sure how much truth there was behind those blue eyes and cautious look, for he still was a vampire. A half-demon. He was Spike, the vampire, not just some lousy teen from your high school or an older guy in a local band.

“I don’t think I can do this,” the feeling, it hit you completely but it was a realization that you needed. This just wasn’t the right time yet. Something was missing, and maybe you weren’t so sure about what it was now, but you might one day soon.

He smiled gently, brushing your hair back away from your face, an endearing act he’d adopted for you only, “That’s okay, love. I want you to be sure.”

He kissed you, and instead of hard and fast, it was careful and slow. It was needing, still, but peaceful and content. Almost… you think to yourself, almost loving. But that word and a vampire just didn’t make any sense. He collapsed beside you on your bed, laying on his back, and his arm scooped you closer to him so that you were now lying on your side facing him. You cautiously placed your arm over his chest —a new intimacy like this between you two is indifferent; but nice.

You kissed his neck gently, and said, “Is this you… staying the night?”

He kissed your nose and made a small noise like a _hmph_ , “Of course. I just got here, I don’t want to leave yet.”

You yawned widely and cuddled in closer to him.

He noticed your sleepiness and held you tighter, “That’s right, I woke you, didn’t I?”

“Nope,” you said in between another oncoming set of yawns, “I was already awake.”

“At this hour?”

You rolled your eyes, “I… had a dream, and woke up from it.”

“Hm.” He turned his head so he was looking at you better, “What kind of dream, a nightmare?”

You stuttered almost completely, “N-no, just… just a dream.”

He tilted his head slightly, narrowing his eyes, you knew he knew you were somewhat lying, or at least anxious to keep the details away from him. “Are you lying?” His voice was challenging, but amused, and you were too late in keeping him out of it because he’d only try to dig further.

“Spike, it was just a dream. Just a stupid, normal dream.”

He raised a brow, “Then tell me about it. I don’t dream… often.”

“Uh,” you glanced around nervously, unable to hold his stare, “It’s pretty boring, trust me.”

Suddenly his eyes were alight, and you knew from that look that he figured it out. “You been dreaming of me, darling?”

Your eyes widened, and you turned away from him entirely, shuffling your body a few inches away from him. You couldn’t look at him in the eyes or even touch him as you admitted the truth, “Maybe…”

“Y/N…” You heard his voice coo softly behind you, but you tried to ignore it. You felt his arms wrap around your stomach as he came closer to you, but still you faced away from him.

He tried to coax you back by touching your face, but you wouldn’t budge, “Don’t be embarrassed, if I could, I would only dream of you.”

“Mm,” you replied, keeping your face turned, “I’m still embarrassed.”

“What was it of then?”

“Us.” You felt his light, messy kisses against the back of your shoulder, placed anywhere he felt like.

“Go on,” he prodded, before he continued to litter your skin with kisses.

“The first time we… you know… made out, at school, in the storeroom.”

He laughed into your skin, and you felt the vibrations, “What a great night that was.”

“It was not! I thought you were going to kill me!”

“Yeah, so, I didn’t, did I?!” He buried his head into your back, “You were so cute and innocent.” He laughed, “Still are.”

“And _you_ scared the shit out of me.”

“Well, by then I thought you understood what I wanted, I mean, I don’t flirt as often in battle as I did with you. Especially when they try to stake my heart.”

You immediately turned around to face him again, heated with anger, “That was only…” You began to trail off in realization, your voice becoming quiet, “A few times, maybe.”

“Try _five_ at the very least.”

“Well—” You stopped talking as you noticed his amused blue eyes and that smirk, “Stop trying to annoy me.”

“Doesn’t take much.”

You shoved his shoulder and he only laughed, which in turn made you laugh back. “You’re terrible.”

“Oh, you love it.” His eyes flashed in the dark, and he pressed his lips against yours. You couldn’t help but feel excited and energized with his every touch, it was something still so new to you, and you couldn’t ever imagine having this with anyone else. It somewhat frightened you, but it also only made you hold him dearer.

You kept kissing him back, addicted to him, you couldn’t help it. And he knew it. “Love?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

You broke away from the kissing completely, “What for?”

“For this.”

You searched his eyes, not sure entirely what he meant by it, but you thought you might. You thought you might understand because you were lonely before you met him, you were by yourself too. You brought his hand up to your lips, kissing his fingers softly. He smiled, his eyes not leaving yours. You spoke quietly, “Thank you, too, Spike.”

He pulled you close to him, and soon you both fell asleep together.


	2. Season Three

As you stared out your window, you decided that tonight would be the night. You glanced around your room distastefully, lost, sad. You couldn’t stay here, you couldn’t stay inside your room any longer than you had to. Everything reminded you of him, the window, the bed, the chair, the midnight kisses and the times he slept beside you. He tainted your room, tainted it and then left you alone. Left you alone without a single word.

You couldn’t hide it from Buffy any longer, and you couldn’t let Willow crack under knowing this secret of yours and having to keep it from her friends. It wasn’t fair. But one thing worried you more. Buffy hadn’t been back in Sunnydale for very long, and she just spent most of it in some other city as a waitress, as a completely different person. After what happened… after she fought Angelus and stopped the world from ending, again, after… after Spike vanished, would it be too much for her to handle?

* * *

 Buffy stared at you, her eyebrows close together, knitted together in an angry furrow. She was confused. She was hurt that you would keep something like this from her. And for her to find out this way…

“I’m… I’m sorry, Buffy. I—” 

“Spike?” She tried to reaffirm.

“Yeah.” You tried to find her eyes, but she wouldn’t look at you. You suddenly regret telling her, telling Wil. Xander looked dumbfounded, and Giles was concerned. “I wanted to tell you. Believe me…” You tried to calm your breathing, but you couldn’t. “I cared about him, and I knew that… I knew you would think it was wrong. _I_ thought it was wrong! But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t…” You felt the hot tears against your cheeks, realizing you hadn’t cried about his leaving until now. “And I’m sorry it took Spike ditching me and Sunnydale altogether for me to realise that I shouldn’t keep this from you any longer.” You wiped your eyes as Willow came closer to comfort you, her hand on your shoulder as reassurance. “But it isn’t a thing anymore… all of it, it… it ended.”

Buffy didn’t reply, and you weren’t sure how to take that. You didn’t want to announce it in front of everybody, you didn’t want to cry and show that you were still emotionally hurt by him. By Spike.

She stood up from her seat, confusion on her face, “You hid this… your relationship with Spike, you hid this from me? You did this behind my back?”

“Yes.”

She shook her head in disbelief, “He could have killed any one of us, he could have killed you!”

“I know.”

“He’s dangerous!”

“I know!” You tried to calm yourself, you didn’t want to let your emotions distract you from making amends, “I know…” You swallowed back more tears, not understanding how to feel. “I get it if you don’t want me around anymore.”

Suddenly Willow cut in, “No, no don’t say that…”

Buffy came closer to you, a softer look on her face, “Wil’s right, don’t say that. I’m… I’m not really sure how to feel about all of this, but I don’t want you to not be around. You’re… you’re family, you know?” She hugged you and so did Wil, and you tried to keep the sobs at bay. Buffy pulled back, her hands still on your arms, “Are you okay?”

You tried to say you were fine, but you weren’t. You hadn’t been. Not since he left, not since he told you he couldn’t love you the way you wanted him to, not since he took your heart and your trust and broke them both. You shook your head and the tears splashed over your face.

“You really cared for him?”

You bit your lip, taming the emotions and the tears. “Y-yeah.”

Buffy nodded slowly in an understanding way. “I’m sorry for freaking, I just never even thought… You and Spike. I know he never hurt you when we fought him and his cronies but…” She sighed, “I wish you would have told me.”

“I wish I did, too.” You smiled sadly at her, and you both knew the heartbreak and sadness, and fear of being lonely so well that it suddenly brought out a connection between you two. A strong, unspoken feeling. Xander stood up from his chair and gave you a bit of a side hug, and Giles rested a hand on your shoulder. You felt thankful for your friends, and their willingness to forgive you and care.

Xander smiled before interrupting the sweet moment, “Anyone want a box of jelly donuts?”

* * *

 You left the library late, having wanted to catch up on some homework for some major tests coming up, and didn’t realise it had gotten so dark already. You peered down the road after glancing at the parking lot, there wasn’t anyone who could drive you home, so you’d just have to walk.

You crossed the road and began your route, making sure you stuck to the most populated streets. Buffy taught you well, and you always kept a wooden stake and crucifix inside your school bag. You’d probably never be able to take down a vampire on your own, but at least the crucifix will have some kind of effect, hopefully.

You still couldn’t believe you were in senior year. It had been months since… Spike. Since you told Buffy about him. It still felt fresh some days, his leaving, how much you missed him, and it still seemed like everything reminded you of him. But you’d been getting better. You’d been studying harder. You’d been—

You heard a snap of a twig off to the side of the street, somewhere in the darker web of bushes and trees. You glanced over, but it was too dark to see properly. It was probably just an animal, you thought to yourself, but you knew to be extra cautious in a town like Sunnydale, so your hand clasped over the crucifix in your bag as you kept walking. You neared your home in minutes, but the feeling of someone following you hadn’t left. At least you’d be safe once you reached your house, once you were inside. You quickened your pace, and soon you were inside and the front door was locked up tight.

You get to your bedroom upstairs and peered out the balcony doors, and you thought you saw a flash of black and blond, but you must have just imagined it; you closed the curtains, frowning, you must have just imagined him. Right?


	3. Season Four

_Y/N_

_I’m… I’m sorry, love. I asked your Mom for an address I could send a letter to, but she wasn’t sure if you would even get it. She told me you’re in Europe, travelling. She remembered me, she still thought I was your tutor. She told me how you left after you graduated, and she said you left upset. I said things I never wanted to, things I didn’t mean. I knew I couldn’t stay in Sunnydale, and I knew you would need to move on without me, so I hurt you. And I’m sorry for it. And I’m sorry for leaving you when you were hurt most._

_I hope you travelled well. I hope you saw the places you always talked about seeing. I’m sorry we couldn’t see them together. I’m sorry we couldn’t leave Sunnydale together, and go to that college you always talked about. I wish things were different._

_I want to tell you something else. I thought about not mentioning it, but I’m writing to you to tell you the truth about everything. When you were still in school, senior year, I came back to Sunnydale. I saw Buffy and Angel in the magic shop. I kidnapped Xander and Willow. I was distraught, and I was drunk and confused. I wanted her to cast a bloody spell that would reverse time or something stupid like that. Don’t blame them for not telling you, I told them not to, and they didn’t want to see you hurt more. I watched you walk home that day, and you looked happier. I didn’t want it ruined. I’m sorry for that too._

_Y/N, I love you. I never knew what it was like to care for someone like that, it had been so long ago since I ever felt something real. I messed it up. I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you._

_Spike._

* * *

  _Y/N_

_I understand if you don’t want to write back, I just hope you’re reading my letters. The Scoobies, your friends, that’s what I call ‘em, they’ve been helping me. Giles helped me first. They don’t call me a friend, I don’t think we could ever be friends, but they’re letting me live and that’s something. I guess._

_This group called the Initiative, they capture demons and experiment on them, they put a blasted chip in my head and well… now I can’t feed. Or attack any human. I won’t lie to you, I miss it. But it could be worse, right? I wanted to die at first. I tried to. Right in Xander’s basement… but Willow and Xander caught me and brought me on their stupid quest for something. Helping Buffy again, I guess. Point is, they didn’t let me die. Well, Willow didn’t. Xander wouldn’t have minded. I helped them fight demons… it was an experience. I felt important somehow. Like I could do more than just be this parasite, feeding on people and barely living._

_I hope you’re doing well, wherever you are. I hope you’re happy, too._

_Spike._

* * *

  _Y/N_

_I messed up again. I did something stupid. I guess that’s just me, stupid bloody Spike. It’s this bloody chip in my head. I just want to be freed from it, I feel trapped, I can’t protect myself, I can’t do anything… the Initiative, they had an experiment go wrong. His name was Adam. He said he’d help me if… If I ruined the group, if I got Buffy on her own for him to kill. It didn’t work. He said he would take the chip out. But instead he tried to kill me. I don’t know if your friends will ever… will ever want my help again._

_I wish you would write back. I know you wouldn’t want to. Maybe you’re not even reading this. Maybe I’m writing to nobody. Maybe this is all just pointless. Maybe you’re never coming back. I just want to see you again. To hold you. I want it to be like it was. We were good, you know? I can’t believe I screwed it all up. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. I miss you every day. I thought maybe this feeling would stop, but it hasn’t. It’s going to be another year since I last saw you. Two years, isn’t that insane? Will it be three? Four? Will it be forever?_

_Spike._

* * *

  _Y/N, love, I miss you. Please come back._

_Spike._


	4. Season Five (Part One)

You stood out the front of Giles’ place, knowing they must be inside. Where else would the gang go if not the library? You still couldn’t believe that the school really had burned down, when your cab passed it on your way to your home, you gasped. It was just a wreck now, the whole school. You were there for the Ascension and the blowing up of the school itself, but it had been a while since. You never really realized how awful it looked afterwards. But the place deserved it.

You walked up to Giles’ door, your breathing grew faster and your heart beat louder. They were inside. You hadn’t seen them for a year. Maybe they changed, college does that to people. Have you changed? Taking a gap year to travel was helpful, but were you just the same, scared girl as when you left? You knew that the only reason you ever left was because of what happened…

You knocked on the door before you could change your mind. It had to be now. The door opened, and you saw Giles, mildly confused, but surprised; happy to see you. He smiled widely, opening the door further, “Y/N, you’re back.” His voice was soft, gentle. He was welcoming, though, and so you took that as a good sign.

Giles’ words brought the attention of the others, and you smiled at him as you entered, immediately spotting Willow, Xander and Buffy. Their eyes lit up, and Willow was the first to reach you. You hugged her tightly and said hello, Buffy hugged you too. Xander awkwardly stuck out his hand but you pushed past it and hugged him instead.

“How was Europe?” Willow asked excitedly.

“It was amazing,” you beamed, almost in disbelief. You were really here, and so were your friends. You noticed a couple of other faces that you didn’t recognize. A tall, well built guy with cropped hair who stood near Buffy, and a blonde, kind looking girl who was next to Willow, “How have you guys been?”

“Well,” Xander said, “Sunnydale is still Sunnydale, meaning we slay, and slay, and slay again.”

“You can say that again,” Willow remarked.

“Another big bad?” You asked, even though you knew more than they thought. Well, bits and pieces anyway, from Spike’s letters. They mentioned something about the Initiative and a guy called Adam; an experiment gone wrong. Speaking of Spike, you started to wonder where he was…

“Yep, and this time it was a government-secret-demon-slaying group,” Buffy explained. “A lot kind of… happened, after you left.” She glanced at the unnamed guy, “This is Riley, my boyfriend.”

You smiled, “Nice to meet you.”

He smiled back, warmly, “Buffy’s told me a lot about you.”

“Guess she’ll have to catch me up then.”

Willow introduced the girl next to her as well, “This is my girlfriend, Tara, we met at a Wicca group in college.”

You felt a jolt of surprise rush through you, of course you were surprised about this new information, the last you knew was that Willow and Oz we’re together. You spoke welcomingly to Tara. You smiled at her, “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

Buffy guided you to one of Giles’ couches, “We have a lot to catch you up on.”

“Well, share away. I have all day.”

Giles echoed from within the kitchen, “Tea, anyone?”

You said yes, and Buffy began her story starting with college and her psych class. You listened intently, but in the back of your mind you wondered… where was Spike?

* * *

You couldn’t believe it! You’d been back in Sunnydale one month… _one month…_ and already you were facing the kinds of dilemmas you did when you lived right on top of the Hellmouth. You sure didn’t miss the odd demon attacks late at night or mystery monster insects disguised as teachers.

You walked briskly from the café, having just embarrassed yourself for the absolute _last_ time today. You needed Giles’ help, and since the Magic Box was probably closed by now, you gathered that he must be home. You were sure he could help, if anyone could it was him and Buffy.

You spoke, conversed, like a natural, normal human being and then as soon as someone said something suggestive, a slight hint, something that would prod a little white lie or a thought to yourself, instead came out as the blunt, honest truth for them to hear entirely. No matter what. No matter how hard you tried to keep it in. And so far, it hasn’t really made you any friends…

You finally reached Giles’ house, and forgot about knocking on the door since he practically left it unlocked 24/7. You walked in, and you were only mildly surprised to see most of the gang lingering about, you came to a small realization that they would usually be here. Willow, Xander and Anya. Giles popped his head over the counter to see his new guest, and as he caught your eyes he stuttered, “Y-Y/N, w-what are you doing here?”

You barely noticed the nervous edge to his voice, “I came because I need your help. Desperately.” You sat on one of the couches immediately, ignoring Xander’s funny stare.

Giles came out of the kitchen, “Is that so?”

“I can’t stop telling the truth!”

He looked at you curiously, steaming cup of tea in one hand, “You… what?”

“No matter how hard I try to not tell the truth, I can’t! It’s exhausting, my body physically won’t let me!” You frowned, your voice growing serious, “You’ve got to help me Giles, the mailman asked me how I was this morning and I practically ended up telling him my whole life story. Not something I want to relive.”

Giles raised an eyebrow, glancing from your friends back to you, “Maybe we can sort this out later?”

“Sort what out, I don’t even understand what this is!?” You looked from Willow to Xander, to Anya to Giles and noticed something off; something odd. You couldn’t quite place it, but it was as if they felt restrained since you came, like they knew something about you that you didn’t. “What’s going on?”

Willow immediately spoke up, “Nothing is going on, we just…” But she didn’t seem to have much of a reason to explain their weird behavior.

You paused for a moment, trying to figure it out, but you couldn’t. So, you ignored their weirdness, “Look, fine, don’t tell me what’s going on. I just need your help. I need this… this curse off me. I can’t stand letting everyone know what I really think, it’s painful and tiresome.”

Giles smiled gently at this, “Alright, I’ll look through some books and see if we can work this out.”

“You don’t believe me,” you said, flatly, and fought the urge to roll your eyes.

“No, no…” He started and spluttered his words, “It’s not that. I just haven’t… seen any evidence of this…”

“Are you serious, Giles? You really need evidence, in Sunnydale?”

Anya suddenly eyed you suspiciously, “Okay then,” she glanced at Xander who seemed to be too amused by your unfortunate circumstances, “How many times have you thought about Xander in _that_ way?” She challenged.

You went wide-eyed, already knowing that your mind has often wondered about things like that but of course you never _really_ wanted to think any of it. You felt the words, the answer to her question, itching at your lips, begging to be released. “Don’t ask me that.”

Anya only narrowed her eyes at you and Xander suddenly seemed to be enjoying your pain even more. She threatened, “Tell me, now.”

It was no use, you couldn’t keep in the truth anymore and that was exactly what had been happening all day. You couldn’t lie or refuse to answer. You bit your cheek but finally succumbed to this curse, “Twice!” You yelled, exasperated. You hated that you had to say it, in front of everyone, too.

You glared over at Giles who had brought his cup of tea to his lips to hide his amusement, “You happy?”

“Fine,” he stated, after almost choking on his mouthful of tea. “I’ll see what I can do.”

You sighed, loudly, and refused to look Xander in the eyes. He, however, couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Or stop staring at you like a dumbfounded idiot.

Giles piped up, breaking the awkward silence that hung over the group, “Willow, maybe you could walk Y/N back to her dorm…”

But suddenly, before Willow could respond, the front door swung open, revealing Buffy. She walked in, tired and exhausted, and Riley followed closely behind. And somebody else.

Willow looked at you in a flash of panic, a deep and serious intensity to the colour in her eyes, and suddenly you saw a snippet of bleached, blond hair out of the corner of your eye. You glanced over to the other guy who walked in behind Riley and you saw the long, leather jacket. The silk, red dress shirt. Those damn blue eyes. You were stuck with nowhere to run or hide.

“Oh God…” You stood up from the couch in a hurry, suddenly realizing why everyone was in such a weird mood; why they had such a nervous edge. Your first instinct was to move, to run, escape but your feet wouldn’t budge from their spot.

Buffy went wide-eyed as she spotted you, and turned to distract Spike, so he wouldn’t see you, but he only moved past her, stepping around her into full view. He looked from Giles to Buffy, “What the bloody hell is wrong with—”  
He stopped speaking mid-sentence when he finally laid eyes on you.

You felt the oxygen suck out of the room entirely.

His eyes were big, dumbfounded, like he’d seen a ghost. Maybe he had, a ghost from his past come back to haunt him. You wanted to say something, all day you’d been saying something, even to complete strangers, but right now you couldn’t seem to find the words. Ironic.

“Y/N…”

“Spike,” you breathed.

He frowned, looking at you intensely, with those eyes… you thought you could forget about them; the way he used to look at you but, how could you? “I didn’t know you were back.” He glared at Buffy before returning his gaze to you again, “When did you…?”

“A… a month ago.” You couldn’t help but tell the truth, this damn curse, or whatever it was wouldn’t let you hide from the truth.

He blinked slowly, “A bloody month?”

“Yes.”

“And you…” He clenched his jaw, looking to the floor instead, muttering, “You didn’t think to swing by? Say hello?” His fists were balled at his sides like a frustrated child.

“I got caught up in… stuff. College, coming home, packing and moving… I didn’t know where you were.”  

He looked at you curiously and you found it hard to keep your eyes on him. He showed the same analytical gaze that he has given you a thousand times over. He knew, he must. “You’re telling the truth, aren’t you?”

“It’s all I can do.”

He frowned at this, and Xander noticed his confusion. He side stepped into Spike’s view momentarily, to your rescue, and said, “She’s been cursed to only tell the truth.”

Buffy cut in before Spike could continue talking, “Cursed to tell the truth? Like some kind of hex?”

You shrugged, “I don’t know. It started last night when I got back to my dorm. I thought I was just tired and didn’t care what I was saying, but it hasn’t stopped.”

“What were you doing before you got to your dorm?” She asked routinely, leaning against the table.

“I was on a date,” you saw Spike look away, but you couldn’t help but tell the truth, even if you didn’t want to.

“You think something happened on your date?”

You shrugged your shoulders again, “Maybe.” It didn’t make a whole lot of sense to you, why would some random curse you out of the decent number of teens and other college students that were there last night?

“The Bronze?”

You nodded your head, “The Bronze.”

“Well, I’ve got some free time on my hands. I’ll go check it out,” Buffy said, grabbing up her jacket, “Willow?”

Willow snapped out of her concern for you and nodded over at Buffy and followed her out the front door. Riley followed too, he seemed to follow Buffy wherever she went.

Spike pushed past the rest of your friends and came closer to you. You immediately felt the nerves creep up and thought about how you could just escape all of this by making a run for it somehow… but you knew that you would have to face Spike sooner or later, especially if he’s been helping out with the gang. Besides, even though it scared you completely, talking to Spike… seeing him again, it was something you once thought would never happen again.

Spike took another step closer until you were the closest you’d been since you came back. Since he left. The familiar smells of him suddenly reminded you of everything. Everything that had happened. His embraces, his kisses, everything you shared.

His voice was low and quiet, so the remaining others wouldn’t hear, “Did you get my letters?”

You looked down at your feet, hating this vulnerability, you wished you would just off-handedly reply with a lie, or something at least less than truthful, but you couldn’t. “Yes. I got them all.”

He just looked at you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to match his gaze. “I’m sorry,” he said, quietly still, verging on a whisper. His eyes never left your face, you could feel his stare. His hand reached for yours, “I’m glad you’re back.”

You took your hand away, “I have to go, Spike. I should help Buffy.”

“Y/N, wait,” he pleaded, following you as you headed towards the front door, “Please, I just want to bloody talk to you. To see you. It’s been too long.”

You felt the tears prick at the edges of your eyes and you were reminded of the many times you cried over Spike for leaving, and all the emotions surged back at once, “Been too long,” you repeated back to him as you turned to face him again, “I wonder whose damn fault _that_ was?”

He didn’t push any closer to you after he heard your words, and he didn’t look into your eyes either, instead, his voice came out softer, “I just…”

“You just? You just what, Spike? Wanted to see how I was doing after you broke my heart? Wanted to see if anything changed after I left? If I’ve changed?” You narrowed your eyes as he looked up, “Well, I have.” You twisted the doorknob and pulled open the front door, “And I’m not just going to let you walk right back into my life and hurt me again.” You left Giles’ house, heated with anger, and headed home, unable to pull yourself together. Whoever got you cursed like this will wish they never messed with you.

* * *

You sat on the edge of your bed, too energized to sleep. Buffy called earlier to ask where you went, and in an offhanded way you said something about feeling too overwhelmed and went home. Buffy said she didn’t find anything at all, no witches or warlocks. No one else had been experiencing the same thing as you. You sighed into the phone and decided to go there yourself tomorrow night. You hung up the phone feeling all sorts, but mostly pissed off.

You sighed, thinking about the day that went by. It couldn’t get any worse than this… right?

You heard a rattle against your bedroom glass-paned door, and when you turned to look at what was making the noise, you saw _him_.

You sighed again, louder and more abrupt. Guess you were wrong, it could get worse.

He opened your balcony door with ease, his hands remembering the lock, the familiarity of sneaking into your bedroom late at night all rushed back. It was only soon after his first visit to your bedroom that your dad decided he wanted to build you a balcony, you thought it ironic at the time because of Spike’s habit in climbing up it – like Romeo. Except undead and a desire for human blood.

You watched him as he tried to step through into your room, but the protection spell that Willow casted for you earlier this month seemed to have worked well, because he couldn’t step through the barrier. He looked up at you, pissed as all hell, clenching his jaw and balling his fists up like a child again.

“You bloody—” He stopped mid-sentence as he tried to calm himself, breathing heavily out through his nose, “How is this possible?”

“Willow,” you shrugged.

He screwed his mouth up out of frustration and leant against the frame of the door, not being able to take a single step further. “This is ridiculous. And you know it.”

You crossed your arms over your chest after you stepped closer to the door, “Why are you here, Spike? Come to harass me some more?”

“I wasn’t trying to harass you.”

“Then what do you want?”

“I just,” he shook his head, “I just couldn’t let you walk off like that.”

“Like what? Like when you just walked off, right out of Sunnydale two years ago?” You spat back sourly.

“I told you I was sorry. I _am_ sorry.” He sighed softly, and you saw the anger seep away from him slowly but surely. “Why are you back here anyway, why not go to your dorm room?”

“I feel safer here.”

He frowned, confused, and maybe hurt. “From me?”

But you didn’t answer straight away. It’s not that you were looking for safety from Spike, just space, time; time to think and time to try and understand what to do next about him. He was not just going to leave Sunnydale, you knew that, and you were not leaving any time soon. And deep down, even though you lashed out at him with every word you could, deep down you knew that if he left again you would just revert back to a sobbing, hopeless mess. You didn’t want that either.

You uncrossed your arms, “I just felt it easier to stay here tonight, at least until this curse is lifted, whatever it is. I always tell the truth around my family, so they don’t mind it, unlike everyone else.” Something you realized with this curse was that at least you could pick and choose which truths to tell –sometimes.

“Right,” he chuckled, “Your curse.” He suddenly remembered back to what you said, what Buffy said, and he tilted his head to the side, only barely, “You really went out on a date last night?”

“Yes.”

He blinked and pursed his lips, “Was it even any good?”

Your lips were pulled into a thin white line, hating having to answer his question, “No, it wasn’t, I don’t even know why I went through with it.”

His eyes widened as he blinked, his voice became less dry and sarcastic, “Really?”

“Really.”

Spike looked as if things might be okay between the two of you with the endearing tilt of his head and soft eyes. But just because you had to respond to his every question didn’t mean you were ready to befriend him again.

“Can you let me come in?” He tried and quickly kept talking to persuade your answer, “I just want to talk.”

You shook your head, “I can’t.”

He looked to his feet and accepted his defeat, “Why?”

“Because, Spike,” you said, exasperated. He looked up to you again as you spoke, “You could ask me anything.”

You saw his eyes stare pointedly, the cloud of confusion over your response slowly dissipated as he realized what you meant, “Your curse…” He mumbled to himself. He sighed and nodded as he readjusted his leather jacket, “You really won’t talk to me?”

You confirmed his question.

“Fine.” He nodded again, “Fine.” He slowly shut your balcony door, even though he clearly would rather do anything else than leave you, and as he swung his legs over the top of your balcony fence, he waved you goodbye; pissed and annoyed out of his mind with you, but still the polite vampire he’d always been, to you.

You waved him goodbye, too, and you were flooded with guilt and some kind of feeling that closely resembled loss as he jumped down from your balcony and disappeared into the thickness of the night.

* * *

The next night rolled by in a flash, and pretty soon you were on your way over to the Bronze to meet up with the others. Tonight had to be the night that you found the culprit. You couldn’t stand being so open with everyone all the time.  

You swung open the entry door on the side of the Bronze, in the alleyway commonly known for vamps to take their meals. When you walked in you felt the familiar atmosphere of booze and cigarettes, and the clanking of pool balls on cues, the soft rock playing in the background. You quickly spotted Buffy and Willow, and they waved you over once they realised you were there.

“Any luck?” You asked worriedly, but hopeful too. After having that outburst with Spike last night, and then the odd conversation on your balcony, you needed one less problem on your plate, it was starting to feel too crowded. And if anyone could clear this mystical curse from your mind, it was Buffy.

She shook her head, solemnly, “Not a thing. No one saw anything weird that night.”

“Or heard anything weird,” Willow added, a disappointed look crossing her face, “Giles got nothing?”

You sighed, “I kind of… stormed out. Spike and I had a bit of a confrontation.” You looked to the floor, ashamed, “I couldn’t help it, he pushed me over the edge and because I can’t just bottle it up now makes it ten times worse. I haven’t seen Giles since.”

Willow tilted her head, “Oh…” She paused, “You know… maybe it’s a good thing? You telling Spike the truth instead of avoiding it.”

Buffy half grinned, “Willow’s right, you know, keeping it bottled up inside like you said isn’t great, I would know.”

You sighed again, “I don’t know, I guess I just thought it would happen differently. Now it just feels forced out of me, I don’t like it.” You suddenly felt the irritation about everything that had been happening so far since your arrival in Sunnydale and decided that you needed to recuperate before trying to find anything more on this curse.

You headed on over towards the restroom, after Buffy mentioned that they’d keep a look out, but as you neared the them somebody grabbed ahold of your wrist from behind and pulled you underneath the staircase, in one swift movement. You met eyes with the blue-eyed vamp, and your heartbeat picked up speed immediately.  

You clenched your hands into fists, his hand still clasped around your wrist, “What do you want, Spike?”

“Just hear me out, alright?” He pulled you closer to him, and you smelt the smoke on his breath and maybe a hint of liquor, “I need to know…” He started, his eyes intense in colour but yearning for something else. “I just need to know why you didn’t answer me, when you were away.”

You blinked slowly, shaking your head as you twisted free from his grip, the realization hitting you all at once, “You… You’re asking me, because you know I have to answer? Right?” You glared at him, your breathing becoming shallower.

He swallowed, his gaze growing softer, “Yeah, well… Maybe this _is_ an asshole move. But if you can only tell the truth… I just need to know.”

“This isn’t fair.”

He frowned, tensing his jaw, “Fair!?” He laughed, dry and humorless, his voice becomes mocking, and hurt, and he barely refrained from rolling his eyes at you, “ _Fair_ would be answering my letters, love.”

It was like he stabbed a knife into your gut, and twisted it further with these words, because you knew he was right. But you had your own reasons for not answering him, “I wasn’t ready to talk to you again, you left for a year without a word, how was I supposed to just let you back in? How am I supposed to now?” Your anger, it grew, you could feel it burn within you, but not at Spike, not really; at yourself, and at this damn curse for letting you become vulnerable and weak in front of him.

He took a step closer, not out to intimidate you because his eyes showed you that he cared, and his voice was softer. “I don’t know. But if you… if you want me again, wouldn’t that answer your question?”

You stared at him, almost dumbfounded that he would even say something like that. It didn’t matter if you wanted him back or not, what mattered was if he would even bother to stick around. “But how am I supposed to just trust that you don’t leave me again?”

His voice became firm, “I could never leave you, ever again.” His eyes gave affirmation to this indefinitely. He was so close to you that your back was pushed up against the wall; only centimeters away from you, and all you could think about was how he used to touch you. “Y/N, why didn’t you answer my letters?”

You knew you couldn’t keep silent forever. “Fine!” You said, exasperated, frustrated by this curse, fed up because you _had_ to answer him no matter how hard you tried not to, and he knew it. “Because I was afraid.” You clenched your jaw, hating this, hating yourself.

He blinked, confused, “Afraid of what, love?” He acted as if he didn’t realise his slip up, the nickname, but you didn’t bother hiding your surprise.

“Of writing down how I really feel.”

He searched your eyes like he was trying to find the answer for himself. “How—”

“Spike,” you warned, knowing what he was going to ask next.

He paused, still looking into your eyes, and breathed out slowly, as if preparing himself. “How do you really feel?”

His words repeated in your mind, an echo of what Spike really wanted to know since the beginning. You tried to swallow back the oncoming tears, but they quickly began to well in your eyes, blurring his face. You wiped away your tears with your jacket sleeve as he tried to reach for you, but you only shook your head. “Too damn much, Spike.” You took a moment to breathe, hating the emotions you showed him so easily, “I missed you, I couldn’t eat or sleep for ages, I told everyone I was fine because you were just a vampire to them. Then I told them the truth, and I thought they would hate me. But they helped me move on from you.” You suddenly found his eyes again, finding the courage to look at him as you spoke, even if emotions clouded your voice. “I thought I moved on but when you sent those letters…” You wiped your eyes again, “God, I wanted to just come right back to Sunnydale and see you again.”

“Why?” He asked, his voice was full of emotion as well and his eyes were scared but in need for more, to know the truth. He wanted to touch you, you could feel it, but he didn’t because you wouldn’t let him. “Why would you want to come back to see me?” He asked it, but you knew he must have already known the answer. He must, he’d always known.

You shook your head, “Spike, _please_ —”

“Why?”

Frustration leaked into your words, “Because for some whacked, unknown-to-me reason, I fucking love you! I love you, a fucking blood-sucking-undead vampire!” Angered and hurt that he had to rip out your feelings without your consent, you shoved him away from you, pushing him hard in the chest. He only stared back at you, dumbfounded, surprised, but maybe not so shocked as you thought. Your voice was ridden with tears and harsh with anger, anger that you’ve bottled up inside, “And I never wanted you to know.”

Spike tried to move closer to you again, “Y/N—”

“No,” you breathed, holding your hand out for him to stop, your chest heaving, “I’m done.” You couldn’t answer his questions anymore, you couldn’t even look at him. You just spilled everything, everything right to him, everything you thought and felt, and you couldn’t bear to see what he might say back. You left Spike under the stairs and tried to find Buffy and Willow but didn’t see them standing where they were standing before. You searched the crowds of people, the tables, until you finally spotted a flash of red hair disappearing out the side entry door that lead to the alleyway. You followed, and burst through the door angrily, still very well heated from your conversation with Spike.

You saw them talking… to a boy. _The_ boy, from that night. Your date!

As you neared them you realized they seemed to be bickering, arguing about a truth curse, your curse. And finally, it all clicked. You treated him poorly that night, because you were guilty, because you thought of Spike the whole time but lied to this boy about the date going well, about being there for him. He must have seen right through your lies.

Suddenly, after everything that had been happening, it all welled up and spilled over the edges of the limits you could handle, and a fiery surge of rage moved your feet right over to them. “Seth!” You yelled, your eyes were ablaze and furious.

Seth went wide eyed as he saw you and stumbled back in fear of your angry voice.

You reached them in no time and grabbed Seth’s collar before shoving him hard against the wall behind him, “You goddamn piece of crap! What is wrong with you? So bored with your own mundane, tedious life that you have to meddle with mine? Take this damn curse off me before I pummel you so far into the wall that you end up inside the _damn_ building!”

You felt Buffy and Willow’s worried stares, but you ignored their concern.

“I said, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Don’t _fucking_ lie to me, Seth! I’ve had a miserable day, I wasn’t lying when I said that I would send you right through—”

“Okay, okay! Just please don’t hurt me!” Seth stuttered, “I –I… _I lift this curse that once bound you, the truth is now inside you_.”

You let him go, and he shakily pushed past you. You turned to Willow immediately, “Quick, ask me a question.”

“Uh… How old are you?”

“25.” You went wide-eyed with excitement, “ _Aha_! I can lie again!”

Buffy stared after Seth, “You really didn’t need me around, did you...”

You sheepishly grinned, suddenly elated with your freedom, but before you could explain your outburst, Willow nudged you to turn around. You looked behind you and saw Spike, patiently waiting for you. Willow and Buffy, after leaving a comforting pat on your shoulder, walked back into the Bronze to give you and Spike some privacy.

“You really gave it to him good.” Spike said, amusement reflected in his eyes.

“Yeah, well,” you shrugged, “Guess I was pissed enough to tell him off.”

He looked to his feet, “My fault.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m a twat, aren’t I?”

You smiled, never being able to not be humored by his joking, “The biggest.”

He smirked in that way that he always had, and it just brought back more memories and feelings. “I really am sorry for leaving.”

You sighed and nodded your head.

He took a couple more steps closer to you, his eyes flickered to the door of the Bronze. “I should have had more balls.”

You frowned, a raised eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

He fingered his pocket for a cigarette, “When Buffy told me to piss right off out of town, I should have stood up to her and stayed here, for you. I was a coward.” He looked to his feet, “After Angelus and Dru… after everything, I don’t know. Buffy got rid of them, I couldn’t stay. But like I said,” he paused to look up at you again, “I shouldn’t have been such a coward.”

You took a step back from him, taking in a deep breath at this new information. It was like your insides twisted together, wound up tightly to never separate again. “Buffy told you to leave Sunnydale?”

He held the cigarette and lighter in hand but paused before lighting it, and held your eyes with matched confusion, “Yeah, didn’t she tell you? I helped her with Angel, which helped me because I didn’t wanna be around that psycho anymore and so… she told me to go.” He dropped his hands by his sides as he noticed your discomfort, “Are you alright?”

You shook your head, “I didn’t know any of this. I didn’t know you helped Buffy… I didn’t know she…” You were practically speechless. This… changed everything, almost. Spike still left but he was thrown out by none other than Buffy herself. You didn’t know what to make of that. You didn’t understand why she had never told you, especially after telling her that you were upset that Spike left.

“I never wanted to leave you behind,” he said calmly.

You tried to swallow back the tears that were rising, yet again, and you knew that Spike could see your emotions behind your eyes. “I never understood why you left Spike, I thought…” You blinked and dropped your eyes to the ground, “I thought you didn’t care. I thought I was just some little fling you had, just for fun, before you moved onto the next town. I…”

He suddenly rushed up to you, his hands cupped your face, you had to look at him in the eyes again. You saw his distress and heard it in his voice, a growl. “Don’t you dare think that, ever. I never wanted to leave you. I—”

You pushed back from him, his hands left your face, “I can’t…” You shook your head, “I thought your letters were just some weak attempt to get me back to Sunnydale for your own sick entertainment.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets, “I meant every word I wrote. Every single one.”

You laughed, emotionally, the tears came straight after. And when Spike began to near you again out of reflex, you saw him stop himself from coming any closer. Silence sat between you both for a moment, it passed more slowly than it did, to you. You briefly thought back to the letters, so much was said. Deep down you knew that it was impossible for him to be lying when he wrote those things. The way he wrote it was just too honest, something you never could be until yesterday. You thought back to his visit to Sunnydale. “Buffy told me when you came back to Sunnydale looking for Willow.”

“She did?” He asked, softly.

“Yeah.” You hugged yourself against the night air, “guess she didn’t want me involved at all that night. So she didn’t tell me until afterward, until you had left again.” You sighed, “I was angry that she waited to tell me.”

“I’m glad she did,” he said quietly. “I was a mess.”

You laughed a little, “I would have been a mess too. I didn’t know you kidnapped Willow and Xander though, until I read it in your letter. Buffy just said that you wanted Willow’s help.”

He chuckled, “Right…” He sighed, kicking the gravel on the ground, “I somehow had it in my mind that Willow could use magic to reverse time.”

You smiled slightly, “You really thought she could?”

He shook his head, “Nah, course not. But I thought I would try. Plus, I was pretty drunk n’ desperate.” He shrugged his shoulders, his black coat crinkled, “I fucked it up so much with you, I just wanted to hope that I could change it somehow.”

You knew what that felt like. Even though he left, you wanted to somehow go back, change things. Maybe if you had been better, or maybe if you told Buffy and the others earlier about you and Spike… maybe he would have felt like he could belong. Or maybe if you just never made your way to that storeroom. “I remember you said in your letter that you saw me, that night.”

He nodded, “Yeah I did. You were walking home from school and I thought you were pretty stupid for walking alone that late. So, I followed, to make sure you were okay. I thought about going up to your balcony again or something, I thought about just going to see you, even if I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

“Why didn’t you?”

He held his arms closer to his chest, against the breeze, his leather jacket tightened around him, “Scared, I guess.” He sighed, “And you looked well. Looked good. I didn’t want to upset you. By then, I was pretty sober too, had the brains to not ruin everything even more.”

“I…” It was comforting to know now that you could tell the truth if you wanted to rather than have it squeezed out of you. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was because you’d grown used to spilling the beans. Maybe though, you wanted to just be honest, because it was Spike, someone you held dearly. Someone you’d probably always hold dearly. “I wish you would have.” You smiled, “But I understand about being scared, too.”

“Well, we’re here now. But we took our bloody time.” He shoved his hands back into his leather jacket pockets, suddenly becoming shy; hesitant. Time passed as he thought or contemplated, decided if he should even open his mouth. You could tell. God, you’d really known him so well, of course you could tell. “About what you said before…” His voice was still quiet, “You know I… Right?” He swallowed nervously, “You know I love you? Too?”

You nodded, “I know.”

He nodded back, “Right, good that, you know, I thought maybe… Well, I should have told you before you ran off like that. You told me how you felt and I sort of just stood there like a soddin’ idiot, I—”

“Spike?” The anger, it was there once, but you knew it had seeped away. You couldn’t stay mad at Spike. Not after everything. If honesty had taught you one thing, it was that the truth is difficult to digest. But it’s always from the heart. And you weren’t the only one honest tonight.

You walked closer to him, as your interruption ended his rambles, and when you were close enough to reach out to him, you did. You felt that he was real, after all this time, it almost shocked you all over again. He pulled you closer to him, and you embraced the once mysterious night-crawling vampire, now somebody so a part of your life, even after these past two years, that you could never even imagine a world without him.

He breathed into your neck as he held you even closer, his complete embrace engulfing you. “Yeah, love?”

You felt comforted by his arms around you, comforted by his embrace. “I don’t know I…” You pulled back as you stepped away, “I-I should get going on home.”

Spike nodded and once again shoved his hands back into his coat pockets. “Right, yeah. Busy day, you must be tired and all that.”

You said your goodbyes and didn’t bother to check if Willow and Buffy were still in the Bronze, instead you just headed back towards home by yourself. The odd twig snap or crunch of leaves, you knew it was Spike. It made you feel safe and you were thankful he accompanied you home, even if in the shadows.


	5. Season 5 (Part Two)

You weren’t sure if you were entirely ready to be thrown back into it all. The demons, the vampires, the God like entities that could crush a person’s head with their bare hands – or take their sanity from them. That was Glory, the new Big Bad. You were suddenly wishing you had better luck and instead have to face the Initiative. It seemed as though she was the worst you would face, the girl was a monster.

You knew you would rejoin the adventures of Buffy and your friends as the year commenced, you knew that even before coming back to Sunnydale. Once you know about them, the monsters that lurked in the dark, you could never really just forget about them and move on with your life.

But the monsters weren’t recluse vampires who stayed underground or a psychotic Angelus, or a giant principal-turned-snake, ready to devour the entire graduating year. No, it was different this time. It was more than what you faced, ever.

Especially when Buffy’s mother died. Even if it wasn’t caused by Glory or some other Sunnydale monster, it hurt everyone, it terrified everyone; it reminded everyone to treasure the people around you while you could.

You thought of Spike, days after. You hadn’t been as close as you once were, of course, and being friends was far from it. You would awkwardly catch his secret glance, or he would catch yours, you would nod and talk as little as possible. Things were different. 

But that was before. Before you found out what Spike did.

You ran up to the crypt, _his_ crypt. You’d never visited, only seen it from the outside. Often on cold nights you contemplated seeing him, but never did. You were anxious and scared and worried and concerned. Everything. “Spike!” You shouted, and tried to force open his crypt.

The door was heavy and thick and would hardly budge. You pounded on the concrete, “Spike!”

It opened suddenly, his bruised and bloodied face appeared in seconds. His eyes a deep purple and his lip swollen, his skin no longer white but red and blotchy. You gasped at the sight of him. You forced your way into the crypt and watched as he tried not to move too quickly.

His shirt was torn down the middle where more cuts and bruises showed themselves. He limped back to a concrete coffin and sat down on top of it. He didn’t say a word.

You could barely breathe properly. You were panicked at the state of him, even though he was immortal, he would surely still be in so much pain. “Buffy…” You started, lost for words. You couldn’t take your eyes off him. “Buffy told me what happened.”

He looked away.

“I’ve been…” You shook your head, “Are you okay?”

“I’m… I’m fine.”

You swallowed back tears. Your voice faltered, and Spike caught on, “No you’re not.”

“I couldn’t let em’ take Dawn.”

“I know,” you swallowed, very aware of what Glory wanted from him. She thought he was the Key. And he didn’t say who it was, not even when they bruised him and cut him and made him bleed.

“I couldn’t…” He started, his voice ragged and exhausted. “I like that Little Bit, you know? She’s got guts.”

You smiled, “I know.”

He started to cry, his body shook, and his shoulders slumped. You went up to him, close, and held his hands in yours. He wouldn’t look at you, instead he just sobbed until his face was pressed into your shoulder. And he kept letting the tears out, even though the salt irritated his eyes and cheeks. He had kept his guard up all day, all week. He thought he was going to die, truly die this time. But he didn’t. And now, you were there to help him, and he couldn’t help but be vulnerable to you. You were the only one he could ever be vulnerable to.


End file.
